The Biggest Thing You're Getting Wrong About Love Languages
It's not always about you.
Love Languages have become the next internet darling
First horoscopes.
Then MBTI.
Now this.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of Love Languages. It’s important to recognize in ourselves how we feel loved. It is helpful to communicate that to other people, like a romantic partner.
It just shouldn't be entirely 'me' focused.
If that's where it stops, it's just another label to excuse your behaviour.
Love (Languages) are everywhere.
By this point I'm to assume you've at least heard people throw around the idea of Love Languages. Whether you know where it comes from is a different question.
Here's a primer:
The Five Love Languages is a book published in 1992 by Gary Chapman. It proposes five archetypes of how romantic partners prefer to experience love.
Critiques include Chapman being a Baptist pastor, with his religious beliefs permeating his work and that the five types are too generic. I don't see why these critiques matter. He's a person. People write from their worldview. He's a pastor. His writing is tinted with his beliefs.
Also, of course five broad categories can't perfectly describe everyone. I thought that was obvious. It's just a construct, a way of organizing our thoughts to understand commonalities and patterns in people.
Wild stuff, I know.
The Five Love Languages:
Words of Affirmation - compliments, encouragement, using words to express appreciation.
Quality Time - spending time together focused on the people involved. Avoids distractions, prefers deep discussions.
Gifts - using gifts to show thoughtfulness and affection.
Act of Service - making an effort to perform tasks to help someone, especially to ease their burdens.
Physical Touch - using touch to feel connected. Skin contact, hugging, holding hands, etc.
Love Languages aren't a personality test.
I've seen pervasive use of these Love Languages as personal identifiers/descriptors on dating apps and Instagram memes.
If that's the extent of your interest that's fine, but you're missing the point.
First off, when you name your preferred Love Language, are you talking about how you like to receive affection, or how you like to give it?
If you've never considered it, you may be surprised to realize they aren't automatically the same.
I feel most cared for with Physical Touch from someone I trust.
I like to show my love through Words of Affirmation and thoughtful Gifts. Something that shows how much I pay attention to them.
What about the people around you? How do they feel most loved? Can you recognize when it’s different than your default? Can you change it? Can you provide what the other person needs most?
It extends so far beyond just romantic partners.
My youngest doesn’t like to be touched when he’s upset. I struggle with this because I see him scared and I just want to wrap my arms around him in a protective hug.
But that’s about me, what would make me feel better. It needs to be about him, and what will make him feel better.
If I do try and use physical touch to comfort him in these moments, before he is ready for it, I make things worse. Now he’s dealing with two things: whatever has upset him in the first place, and now me not respecting his boundaries. It’s just another negative input for his overwhelmed system to deal with.
He needs me to be there with him. He needs to know he’s not alone, and that I’m not going to be angry or leave because he’s dysregulated.
I never try to minimize what he’s experiencing, or try and convince him his reaction is ‘too much’. What may look like an overreaction to me, is justified and necessary in his. Otherwise it wouldn’t have happened.
Nor do I try and ‘cheer him up’ before he’s ready to be cheered up. No tickling, no distracting talk about something fun or exciting happening later. That teaches kids to suppress their emotions instead of feeling them.
No matter how well meaning, pushing a child to not be upset is more about the comfort of adults than it is about what’s best for the child.
I have spent so much of my adult life learning not to suppress my emotions, and learning how to sit with them like a friend in crisis. Even when I’m not sure if I agree with them. They need validation before they can dissipate.
Invalidation, in either form, tells him he is wrong for feeling the way he feels, that he is wrong for the way he reacts. As parents we like to think that it teaches our kids to change their perspective to ours so they can see things “aren’t that big of a deal.”
Again, however well meaning, what we’re really doing is telling them that their instincts are wrong and shouldn't be trusted.
Have you noticed that when you’re upset, being wrong feels like a personal failing? Because it does, especially in children.
As adults we know that a person in a negative state of mind treats every suggestion or criticism as a personal attack. Sometimes it doesn’t even matter how diplomatically it was shared. If the message isn’t making it past the gatekeepers, who are on heightened alert to defend the castle, the vulnerable self inside, then it cannot help.
He needs to hear my calm voice. It’s not about telling him what to do, it’s about being a calming presence.
It’s about leadership.
If he needs reassurance I can talk to him reassuringly. If he needs a distraction, I can do that too. I talk about things from my day to day, or tell him a story about someone he cares about.
No moral. No lesson to decipher. Just something of interest about something he cares about or may be curious about.
It gives his mind an alternative to think about from its current spiral. The train of thought can be diverted on a different track, one that I can use to guide him out of the dark.
Instead of telling him to take deep breaths (which can be a lot like telling an upset person to "calm down"), I take deep audible breaths of my own, giving him something to mimic. Consciously or not, it can help. It gives his mind a sense of rhythm to follow, a rhythm slower than his racing thoughts and racing heartbeat.
Take another look at your Love Languages.
How do you like to receive?
How do you like to offer?
Take a good look at the various relationships in your life, not just the romantic ones. You might just see why you’re at odds with someone you care about.
In case nobody else says it, thank you for doing the work. It makes a difference in your life, and in the lives of everyone around you.
Know someone who needs to read this too? Send them a link. It can be a Love Language all of its own.
I write about masculinity that isn't threatened by femininity or feminism. It’s time for us to change, and it won’t happen without your effort, and mine.
You don’t have to figure it all out alone. Join a community of men who want to know better, do better.
I appreciate the examples. They helped me see things I haven't.
Yes! I see that happening too. Love languages are the next attachment theory.